beach love.

january 2013. it was in pandan island in palawan that i first fell in love with the sea -- its perfect clarity and blueness, its beautiful horizon where earth and sky best collide, and its adorable fishes and starfishes.

it was there and then that i promised myself that i'll visit as many beaches as i can, that this will be the first of the many travels to come, and that this will be one of the many splendid and fun ways i'm gonna spend my youth.


being the goal-setter and goal-reacher that i am, i'm able to visit, much to my delight and awe, boracay and panglao long enough to enjoy every good thing they have to offer.

two days before the trip though, it was some trick of fate that i acquired chickenpox. (yeah, fate can be too much of a joker and that i was its chosen one). i first thought my plans will not materialize. but the universe must have felt my zeal and persistence to push through with the plans that my recovery was fast and less troublesome, that the scars it left me with, i'd like to believe, were not too ugly and shameful.

and i was on a roll and so were the good times!


april 2013. boracay, aklan.

 

boracay was rather crowded even at night at this time of the year, but that won't stop anyone from catching this beautiful sunset even under an ordinary camera's lenses.  (with me is my youngest sister, baby)

 

clear blue sky and clean blue waters at daytime. they offer nothing but pure fun and peace of mind. (with me is my oldest sister, ate jeanne)

may 2013. panglao beach, bohol.

   

the pure, simple, and unadulterated beauty of panglao beach gave me the perfect venue to reflect about life and love, to celebrate the goodness of everything that conspired, and look ahead for everything that is yet to come.

in a matter of five months, i'm fortunate enough to have been given the chance to visit three beautiful places in my home country. i'm more than lucky to have taken some days off from work and indulge in awesome experiences back home.

someday, i'll look back and remember...this. this is how i moved forward. this is how i lived my youth. and this is how i'd like to continue living it!

faith, hope and love. and the greatest of these is hope.

the last time i cried this hard was when tatay died.

i cried countless of times for sensible and absurd reasons but there is something about family matters that make me cry differently, as if my whole life depends on it, as if, at that precise moment, the world has ended, as if i lost one body part, as if i'm a lit candle, melting and losing its flame.

i often think i handle things better when the problems are mine personally. what's harder for me to take and deal with is hearing a loved one, and by loved one i mean any of my siblings, break a devastating news to me.

when tatay died i knew someone has to take over and step forward to keep our family together. someone has to be the strongest and the bravest among the strong and brave. i believed ate and i took that responsibility together, hand in hand. we shouldered the weight of the responsibility that should have been carried by one person alone. and we're lucky we have each other.

so when tonight, she called me to say that she lost her job, one day before our flight back home for our youngest sister's graduation and my mom's birthday celebration and our family's most-awaited and well-planned reunion, that she won't be coming home with me so she can have more time to sort things out and set a good "bounce back plan," i was devastated. i was shocked out of my wits.

but i knew i can't be weak now. not this time. i can't be frail because she needs me to be strong. i need to keep my strength intact so she can sustain her own. and even when it was so tempting to blame her for what had happened and pity her for how things turned, the last thing she needs now is a pain-in-the-ass-and-ego sister.

once more, our faith is put to test. the universe is playing tricks on us. time and again we are reminded that we're strong and that we'll emerge from this gracefully and even stronger than the last time we ever proved ourselves strong.

in moments like this, during one's downfall, i'm really glad we have each other. that's a comforting thought enough to bounce back, big.

forgiveness and mindset

the key to acceptance and forgiveness is realizing that people hurt us without them meaning to.

i can't pinpoint each phase i've gone through before i came around with this one. but i'm certain i've passed through the stage when i was bitter, unhappy and furious.

the last time i was hurt i am not sure if i'm angry to myself more or to the other person. for a while, i wondered if i wasn't doing things right. i asked myself if i wasn't understanding and loving and caring enough. or if i'd been too much. i questioned my self-worth for not being chased after.

i tried to analyze why things happened the way they did. i tried to dissect the reason behind, but no matter how logical my conclusions are, they are still guesses i can't validate and concretize.

so at one point, i just had to stop understanding something i can't. and stop beating myself up. and stop feeding myself with thoughts that don't benefit my well-being. and let go. and forgive. and be happy again.

and believe that people who genuinely love and loved us, regardless of what they do or fail to do, don't want to see us suffer.

never not be afraid - grug (the croods)

"i thought it started out beautiful. it still is until now.

but there is so much about the unknown that i don't like about. so much about the distance that gets me terrified.

but i really am thankful for you. the past weeks have been so much easier to bear because you're there. i even forgot there was something heavy that i'm supposed to bear, some pain i'm supposed to feel!

i think the universe is playing tricks on me that i'm able to find someone i can talk to who understands completely, whose thoughts are almost like my own, who makes me feel in so many ways that my time is precious and sought after and needed. the timing felt so right, so right that it feels surreal!"


this has been on my drafts, unpublished, for two days. and i don't know how i want to end this post. no, i don't actually want to finish it.

i guess i'll take a plunge into that unknown instead, no matter how much it fears me. after all, fear keeps us alive. i'll take a risk and i'll enjoy it wherever it leads.